I am going to be brutally honest in this post. I want comments and responses, but before you lash out at me, I would like you to put yourself in my shoes and think about how you would respond if you were me.
I am now 7 weeks pregnant and still very angry and scared. We were taking all the right steps to not become pregnant, and yet, I am. As of right now, I still don't want to have another baby. I know that these things will change, and in a year and a half, I won't be able to imagine life without this baby, but right now, I am down-right scared.
There are several reasons for this:
1) When we moved in with my parents in July, it was so I could stay home with our girls while watching my nephews and Bobby could finish his masters while only working part-time. (After 6 years of MS, I was a bit burned out) We couldn't even afford rent on what Bobby makes, let alone eat. We were supposed to be with them a year. Now we are going to have to move out earlier because we cannot bring an infant into that house. This means Bobby going after a full-time job at UPS and putting any ministry things on hold until we are financially stable. Right now, with the economy the way it is, we don't have the money for a downpayment, and I don't even know if we would be able to GET a mortgage.
2) When we moved, we got rid of EVERY baby item, and about 2 weeks before I found out we were excepting, I got ride of all my nursing bras. We have nothing!! We don't even have a crib or car seat anymore. I am scared about where these things are going to come from.
3) When Sarah gave me such a horrible time with nursing, making me bleed, etc, I was so excited when I was done weaning and would never have to wear another nursing bra to bed or nursing pads constantly cause I always leaked. With the plan for me to stay home for a few more years and finances being extremely tight, I will have to nurse or pump for the first year. We will not be able to afford formula. Pumping for Sarah was so hard because Bobby wouldn't be home in the evenings and Sarah would be crying, etc while I tried to pump. It broke my heart. I couldn't do it. My goal had been to not even get out the pump until July (cause I would be going back to work in August) but Sarah ended up being completely on formula by the end of July.
4) There was a time before I got pregnant with Sarah that I would see babies and want another one. Sometimes it would even happen after she was born. Over the last 6 months, that desire has vanished. I see newborn babies and don't want them. I don't want the sleepless nights, the nursing, etc. Still now, when I see babies, I don't want them.
All-in-all, a lot is going to have to change over the next few months for me to be ready for this baby. A lot is going to have to change in my heart. I would greatly appreciate prayer in this situation. I am not worried about the extra work load, I know that I can handle the three children, it's that my heart is not going to be in this baby. I need to stop being angry about it.
Thank you for listening. Please pray for me.