Thursday, October 02, 2008

Brutally Honest

I am going to be brutally honest in this post. I want comments and responses, but before you lash out at me, I would like you to put yourself in my shoes and think about how you would respond if you were me.

I am now 7 weeks pregnant and still very angry and scared. We were taking all the right steps to not become pregnant, and yet, I am. As of right now, I still don't want to have another baby. I know that these things will change, and in a year and a half, I won't be able to imagine life without this baby, but right now, I am down-right scared.

There are several reasons for this:

1) When we moved in with my parents in July, it was so I could stay home with our girls while watching my nephews and Bobby could finish his masters while only working part-time. (After 6 years of MS, I was a bit burned out) We couldn't even afford rent on what Bobby makes, let alone eat. We were supposed to be with them a year. Now we are going to have to move out earlier because we cannot bring an infant into that house. This means Bobby going after a full-time job at UPS and putting any ministry things on hold until we are financially stable. Right now, with the economy the way it is, we don't have the money for a downpayment, and I don't even know if we would be able to GET a mortgage.

2) When we moved, we got rid of EVERY baby item, and about 2 weeks before I found out we were excepting, I got ride of all my nursing bras. We have nothing!! We don't even have a crib or car seat anymore. I am scared about where these things are going to come from.

3) When Sarah gave me such a horrible time with nursing, making me bleed, etc, I was so excited when I was done weaning and would never have to wear another nursing bra to bed or nursing pads constantly cause I always leaked. With the plan for me to stay home for a few more years and finances being extremely tight, I will have to nurse or pump for the first year. We will not be able to afford formula. Pumping for Sarah was so hard because Bobby wouldn't be home in the evenings and Sarah would be crying, etc while I tried to pump. It broke my heart. I couldn't do it. My goal had been to not even get out the pump until July (cause I would be going back to work in August) but Sarah ended up being completely on formula by the end of July.

4) There was a time before I got pregnant with Sarah that I would see babies and want another one. Sometimes it would even happen after she was born. Over the last 6 months, that desire has vanished. I see newborn babies and don't want them. I don't want the sleepless nights, the nursing, etc. Still now, when I see babies, I don't want them.

All-in-all, a lot is going to have to change over the next few months for me to be ready for this baby. A lot is going to have to change in my heart. I would greatly appreciate prayer in this situation. I am not worried about the extra work load, I know that I can handle the three children, it's that my heart is not going to be in this baby. I need to stop being angry about it.

Thank you for listening. Please pray for me.


Gene and Annie said...

Paula, please know that you will be in my prayers! Never be afraid to say how you feel and please know that what you are feeling is completely normal!! Everyone has different types of things to worry about and it is normal to be frustrated!! You never know things might change here in a few months! I bet God has some amazing things in store for you guys in the way of provision! I know you have been faithful to God and He will provide!! I will pray for all things to work out!!

Amyru said...

Paula, you are in our prayers. When we lived in TN we were on WIC. It helped out a lot. We got milk, cheese, cereal and formula for Zoe. It's not food stamps but it is a government program. I think you might want to look into that as it can be a big help.

Also know that although you didn't plan for this baby God did. God is in control. I know you know this but it can't hurt to hear it again. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you out in the coming months.

The Messer's said...

Bobby & Paula,

I know I am very far removed from you. You are very special to me and it saddens me to see you struggling so.

I know I don't have children. But, I truly believe this baby to be a blessing from God. You are strong people from strong stock. God will not give you anything or anyone you can't handle. He knows your struggle - emotionally & financially. He is the maker of all things. He will get you through all of this.

You have a great support system in your families (both sides). Tap into those support systems. Let them be there for you. You won't struggle in this alone.

Know that I am praying for you and am here for you should you need anything!


Amy R. said...


I know you know this, but I'll say it again! God IS in control and He WILL see you through this! You will fall in love with this baby and God must have a very special plan for this little one. Don't forget your emotions are wacky now because of all the hormones. They will level off sooner or later and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I agree that you need to check into WIC. We are on it and they gave me more formula than Colin could use. The other girls are young enough to qualify as well as you and it will really help.

Also, go to Yahoo Groups website and search for a "Freecycle" group in your area. There may also be a Classifieds one too. You'd be surprised what people are giving away (usually all you have to do it go pick it up) or selling cheap.

You will be in our prayers!

Spivey Family said...

You don’t know me. I found your blog through another blog. I totally understand what you are going through! I have a 3.5 year old, 5 month old and on Monday I found out I was pregnant! After my second child, I did not want anymore kids. I had a difficult pregnancy and plus we financially couldn’t handle a third child. I was so happy to put away all the maternity clothes, nursing bras, etc. I had a difficult time nursing too and had to supplement with formula at 6 weeks. I am not even sure I can even nurse this baby. We also used protective measures and they didn’t work. I am angry and scared. I do not feel connected to this baby and maybe in time I will. I cry all the time, can’t eat and sleep. I haven’t told my family. I need their support but I am so afraid of their reaction. I am dealing with a lot of anxiety. My dr. has told me that it will take time and lots of prayer to get through this. I am sorry I can’t offer you advice but know there is someone else going through the same thing. Your feelings are completely normal. My husband keeps telling me it is God’s plan not ours and God will provide. I will be praying for you.

I received this devotion the other day when I was at very low point. “Don’t get worked up about. . .tomorrow.” God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. When it looks like things are falling apart, Paul reminds us, “in all things God works for the good of those who love him” (Romans 8:28). When it seems like the world’s gone mad, don’t forget God “existed before anything else. . .and He holds all creation together”. When worry whispers remember, God promised to “meet all your needs” (Phil 4:19)

Kristen Kolb said...

I think it is totally okay to take your time and grieve the loss of the plans you had in order to embrace God's plan. You must be overwhelmed and feeling yucky only magnifies that! Looks like your friends have written many words of encouragement! My best advice would be to ask Melissa or your parents to keep your kids for a couple of hours and spend some time with your husband just processing together. It helps so much to be reminded that you are in it together! Even if you don't go for dinner go walk around a park near you!! Keep us posted! I know God will change your heart and this baby will be the most memorable, happy surprise of your life! Until then, I pray that you will be filled with peace and that your girls will be a reminder of His goodness!

Carmine said...

Paula, I'm sending you an online HUG right now! Wow, I think you ARE being brave, and you ARE handling it well! I have no idea what I would do, and no one has the right to judge you- remember that! There's NO way of being able to feel what you're feeling right now, so don't feel ashamed to be upset about it.

I'll tell ya one thing- you are a warrior and you'll make it!

Anonymous said...

Hi Paula,
I'm sorry for the added stress/confusion/frustration in your life right now. I don't know exactly what your going thru, of course, however, have been in similar shoes where what I had planned for our lives didn't happen and the end result was something I didn't want nor would never have chosen at that time. I'll be honest with you, it never helped when people would say "oh, I'm praying for you" and "it's all part of God's plan". I KNEW that that was true - but I couldn't see past my own feelings/hurt/plans to see the possibilities of the future. You and Bobby will get thru this...Cliche enough as it is....I will be praying for you in hopes that you will find peace.

Stephen and Michelle said...

God, please give Paula a sense of peace and trust in You right now. Calm her fears and help her to place her worries in Your capable hands. Remind her that You know how she is feeling and the struggles that she is facing right now. Send her agents of peace and encouragement in her life to uplift her and support her during this difficult time. You are so worthy of our praise, and we thank You for Your faithfulness and times of stretching as You make us more like You as we surrender our lives to Your will. I am so thankful You can see the bigger picture and know the best path for our lives, even if we struggle with that path. You are good. You always provide for Your children, and you will provide for this new life growing inside Paula. We thank You for that.